"Life isn't about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself."
-George Bernard Shaw

This is what it's all about

"O'Brian can find his own damn belt." Tiana said looking at the stars with a few drinks in her system.

I won't wear O'Brians belt. I won't be constrained by the stars. I am not desided by them, i am found by myself, with no belt around my soul. No rope holding me in. I am in a state of perfection. I love this feeling. Every love song is him. Every shadow and light is beautiful and looks like his eyes, his soul, his inner light. I want this emotion forever, and i want him forever. White flowers, and dresses, and early sunrises, and walks in the moonlight, and open laughs that are about nothing but happiness, escaping through facial expressions, and deep breaths, and silent vocal chords. I am awake when i sleep, and i am living when i dream.When dreaming of him.

I wonder if i'll ever know what Tianas drunkin slur means to me.

who's the liar?

The girls bathroom walls says,

"Love won't fix you."

...

it also says,

"Holly B is a slut."

Holly B says,

"i'm not a slut i just like pleasure."

....

what a horrible comeback.

Indian Burial Prayer

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glint of snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripen grain. I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush or quiets birds in circled flights.
I am the soft star the shines at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

It's depressing but at least i got an A.

A short essay i had to write for my english class on lord of the flies and loss of innocence.


Life isn't all sunshine and happyness and around the age of ten you start to relieze the worlds flaws and your own flaws. society forces us to grow up and stop pretending we are wizards or we're invinsible. Ralph is growing up on the island and is starting to see the flaws in the society they had created for themselves. he doesn't want to joke about the bathroom anymore. he wants to be serious. he's growing up and he's confused with what he's feeling. he says he has ," lost himself in a maze of thoughts that were rendered vague by his lack of words to express them (p.76).

i depress my teacher i can see it on her face. she wishes i showed more joyful insight into the loss of innocence. she doesn't know that i wish i was still 4 and playing with toy trucks in a sand box. mabye i wish i was 95 and playing with my food on a tv dinner tray and shitting my pants without caring. old people have lost so much innocence that they are refusing to see the truth in that they are truely old and demolished on the inside.

One of those days when you just can't stay awake in algebra.

I drempt of him last night.
The last one i had is what he is.
i still loved him i could tell.
we sat in an empty room in big red chairs.
watching a TV that shows nothing but static.
we didn't watch the TV.
We watched each other.
we were the characters pretending to have feelings we don't.
we are the actors showing we are unsatisfied with what we have become.
I'm numb on oneside.
inside
or
outside...
...i'm not sure which.
but one side is overwhelmed with this all.

The better version i'll never get back.

Let us go to places words can't describe.

Let me hear you say everything you've everwanted to say, but never had a reason or place to spill your guts out loud.

Let me tell you all of the pointless stories of my childhood in full detail, so i can remember that i've existed for longer than i feel i have.

Let me stick just one finger in your front jean pocket, because it makes me feel small when i feel too big.

Let me hear your deepest secret,biggest burden,loneliest moment and all the moments you were distracted by a feeling of utter rapture.

Let me stare at you and smile without haveing to tell you my reasons, because you should know you are my reason.

Let me make you dinner so i get distracted and ruin it, so then we can just order pizza.

Let me hold you when everything is falling down around you. I'll try my best to make us the last thing standing.

Let me make forts out of bed sheets and lay with me, to nap, and dream, and kiss, and nap.

Let me remind you everyday that i am the man in the relationship.

Let me say the previous statement, but know it's not true.

Let me Laugh about how i've never felt like a cute little girl before.

Let me be reminded that i'm not invincible, that i never have been and never will be. Sometimes i forget and i wouldn't want to scare you.

Let me read to you poetry, essays, comics, articles, and my own writings.

Let me listen to your beathing if you fall asleep by my side.

Let me feel your heart beat, so i know when i kiss you it means something.

Let me fall asleep someday, to the sound of your guitar.

Let me thing about you all the time...and not feel like a creep.

Let me worry about you, because worrying makes me feel needed.

Let me be the person you trust the most, because i want you to be mine.

Let me slide my fingers along your neck, but don't let my mind wonder to think of the ache if this ends.

Let me tease you.

Let me be teased.

Let me be the mess i am and know that by just being here for me it cleans up half my mess.

My response to McCains support of the war (written during a 2008 presidential debate)

You call this winning you bastard! You call dead Iraqi civilians a sign of victory?! what are you five?! Playing with little plastic men in your sandbox! You dirty scum Bastard!! I want to see a soldier look you in the face and call you a heartless lying bafoon!! We aren't winning you lifeless shit! Our people are dying and their people are dying because of shitheads like you!!

Forced Forgetfulness

This dark night,
come lie with me.
Trail your lips down my spine.
Brush your fingertips along my curves.
For tonight,
i need someone to love me.
Someone to love me,
because i don't.
Push against me.
Pressure this heart into obediance.
Push the peices together again,
if only for this night.
Skin against skin.
He always said it was
"..the best feeling in the universe.."
HIM! HIM! HIM!

You...

The pea under 100 beds

Sitting on the warm steps of the library. My eyes closed. My headphones in and Modern English flowing over my eardrums. I relieze that the wind blowing through my hair is no different that the wind that would blow through my hair in any other place. It feels no different.

It's chilling, it pushes,it flashes through this everything.
This big nothingness.
Pushing though my small everything.
Something invisible can make the biggest difference.

John candy. Funny man, famous man, actor. What did he do that changed your everyday life? Nothing unless he's your comidic inspiration, which i hope he's not, because he's not that good. The guy who first made rubber. Do you know his name? Not unless you have a good memory that goes back to fith grade when they mentioned his name once. Most likely you were passing notes and didn't give a shit. Well mabye if you really want to accomplish something you can't be well know in the future. You've got to make sure your name disappears.

All this from a passing, pushing, breeze.