The Rag on My Bed

You lay crumpled at my pillows, just like the torn blanket from my childhood. The shades of browns and whites fading after years of tire. Years of tears, nightmares and monthly washings have left you decrepit. Your sinews that once made you plush and lovable are spilling from the various rips and tears that mark your body; spilling out the wounds like pus. Nights spent with you in my arms; overwhelmed by the clash of cottons, the soft cotton skin spreading farther apart to spill your harsh cotton interior.
Your last cleaning caused a tear in your side. Now I wake up some mornings with my legs and arms entwined with you, trapped inside your wounds, between your skin and cotton seepage.
I refuse to sew you up. I will not patch the holes the dogs have borne straight threw you. Patches and thread could not fix the damage that has been done to you. You must be retired to a closet shelf, an attic floor. Packed away in a trash bag full of mothballs. Stowed away in a crevice, so in a few years I can press my face to your destroyed tissue and remember why I pushed away so hard.
As a child you held all the tears and saliva that dripped from my face; the weeks of sickness and lost voices. These are the days I’m supposed to say I don’t need you. yet, I know tonight I will rest my head upon you once more.

No more hiding in plain daylight

I am scared that as the months pass, you'll start to see my quirks and you'll hate them, and you'll start to hate me, and no amount of kisses i give will compensate for the amount of hate you've built against me.
I'm trying to find myself, and find out who i am, and being with you makes it hard for me to find me and not you.
This was all hard to begin with. Your hard to begin with.
Yet, I'd rather choose the hardest way over losing the only person who can always make me happy.
You need to face the fact that this could bring you to your knees. My medication, and my medication, and my medication is not you! I am faceing the fact that you can not fix my hurts.Caplules could come and go, that chalky taste on my tounge could come and go, my smile might shine and fade and so i am giveing you this chance to fade away. This is your chance to get out before your knees are bleeding and i'm laying here screaming. This is your chance. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

what are best friends for, right ?

You've just slamed your bottle of Strawberry Melon Flavored Juice Beverage down on my desk,because your drunk.yes drunk, in your adolecent jeans and lowcut purple tanktop, splattered with dots as drunk as you.
Your dyed maroon hair drapes across my knee as you bend at the hip to throw a crumpled snack wrapper into my bookbag. you sway and miss and as you lean further to grasp at it your hair glides off my thigh to crash to the floor, like some sarcastic mix of liquid ice and fire.
I have been handed the responsibility for your loss because i'm the one who will take it. You've drifted off now, staring at the projection of whales on the wall.
I'm stuck wondering if you too will drown.your sleeping reality side down, how you can do this i'll never understand. or mabye i'm the one sleeping as a whale and you are trapped like a shark on vicoden. Circling in a dream, yet dreaming the same thing because you fear the idea of roaming and taking control.
yet your the determined one. you do what you need to but never for longer than you physically,mentally,idealisticly can. so you are now the whale.
Are we both floating feet upwards like the two we used to be. doing hand stands in the lake.
if i held my breath and stilled my aching fins, would you awake and join me?
Or will you be a shark and slip away to spin in your weary circles?

Rug On Fire

It's still lit, I don't need to worry.
The fires still burn from the summer.
From a place that still makes no sence.
I need to find a place with those fires.

My back is sliding down the roof.
Mabye it's all in my head.
yea...it's all in my heart.

Head in my hands,
feeling to find my hair is gone,
a realization long found,
and long forgotten.

There's no logic here.
There has never been.
This isn't the place to find understanding.
I have never been the place.

What If there's no child to find?
No home inside this forest?

I can't be blown away.
That's why i'm falling on the floor.
A floor thats always easily found.

Months spent by me
Writhing on these hard floors.

I wish to bruise my bones.
My bones that scream whispers.
My limbs the streth and retrack.
Pressing against the sturdy ground.

A ground that you can only view as carpet.

My breath pushes and catches.
It shakes as my rib cage presses inward.
Pushing any out burst of emotion deeper.
I give myself headaches locking away tears.

What comfort is found in my lack of hair?
I keep gripping at it.
twisting it around my fingers.

What comfort am i trying to conjour up from a decision
whose purpose and reasoning has since wondered off?

For years i have tried to bandage and clean
my self beaten body.

have told myself my hands are not my own.
by doing so i calmed my dying nerves.

I have become one with this fucking rug.

"and i was born at the same moment as the sun."

My hand glowing like a moon against his black as night shirt and warm, tough, and tan skin. I want to burrow myself under his think skin and hybernate for the winter. Only coming out in warm weather to smell flowers as he watches me like he always does; Like he's honoured by the thought that i would glance at him once let alone twice.
He looks at me like he's asking, "why am i so lucky as o have you? Why am i so lucky to be your winter cave? Why am i so lucky to feel your warm skin against my walls? Why am i so lucky?"
I only know to smile at such questions. How am i to answer?
Should i tell him it's because i am also lucky to be with him? Do i respond with, "Because something must warm you skin in winter."? Do i respond with, "Because you are a cave that echos love even when i scream hate."? Mabye i should mearly kiss his lips and whisper,"Because you are lucky.".
The wind answers my questions with, "Run away and see what he thinks of luck in comparison with love.".
My child responds with, "I'll be with you forever."
The remainder of my memory wonders how much of a promise has been made? How many times will love and promise echo in the cave before fading out?
My child growls, "None."

your a bit like those cinnamon buns, aren't you?

It's like ur wings were put on upside down.
your lips were sewn shut in ur sleep,
and now you can't eat.
you try to smile,
but the effort goes unnoticed.
since all you can do is move your cheeks
up and down.

you've refrained completely from
all matters of emotion.
No laughter hums from your lungs.
you no longer weep,
since you no longer wail.
whats the point in crying if nobody can hear you?

Then he came with his scythe
and pierced your face.
tell me,
how horrible is life my dear,
when your mouth is given back to you,
yet god gave you no voice?
but he made sure he gave you
what you need to choke
...didn't he?

you saw more red that day
then you ever could've fathomed.

The Selfish Bitch Needs a Vay-k

And i said no
and i said no
and i
said yes
and then regret.
I realized and i
jumped.

Brothern of the cheated
watched my vuneralbility.
St. Nick scolding
my premiscuity.

Ezra springs from her grave
saying, listen
child
since you know not
how to open your
jars
of clay.

I agreed to things
i never would
were i
awake.
I fell asleep thinking of
the future
yet woke
thrashing and gasping about
past passion.

The undignified cock
controlling
that which should
be persuaded not manipulated.

However, whats the difference?
whats the difference mother?
Truth tells me there is
no difference,
because what is done is
manipulation and what
you tell yourself
is that it
was pursuasion.

You are a liar
for your own
self-preservation.