Don't Worry, His Bark Hurts More than His Bite.

If i could show you once or twice
how it feels to pay the price
of letting impatience and pride walk tall,
and you would surely bear it all.

If you would sadly start to shed your hair
so i could calmly notice that trees of hemlock line your brow
then kisses of lips i would allow.

Then if you could kindly just pretend
to care a little more that you do
beacuse the water dripping from my face is saltier than dew.

Unmentionables

There they lay.
Like some perverted masterful prize.
As if they could be a symbol of her changes.
They no longer fit yet she wears them anyway.
When they are worn they wander beneath her clothes.
Slipping along well-known curves.
Slopes known by any man in this town
Or some few passerbys,
That never seem to just pass her by.
Printed with fruits they mine as well be a symbol of the last year gone by.
She was picked fresh and so now is no longer considered ripe.

The ball of cloth laid out like a story book for all.
The tag had been cut off in the first week.
Then came unexpected rain,
Red stains were cast there too.
Holes speckle the front,
Borne there by inhuman teeth.

She sits staring at them,
Shriveled up on the cold cement
She’s Remembering the faces of all those who have cast them to the ground.
The pleasure and power were never hers to have.
However, money keeps the hungry fed.
So,how does one choose between dignity and fruit?

The Meltdown

The words came out like they would've if I was having one of my melodramatic meltdowns. You know, one of those complete mental breakdowns where you ask yourself, “Why?”, over and over and you roll around in bed wallowing in your emotional pain for a few hours. My meltdowns aren't usually like that. I lay on the bathroom floor in my winter jacket, repeating famous quotes on life, and reenacting personal scenes in which I fall victim to the fates of the world.
These words, however small, came out with so much umph that it caught my full attention. I was rummaging through everything in my room. Tossing aside any inanimate object that wasn't damned to a life of burgundy flower print.
I'm headed out tomorrow to stay at my sisters. She has an apartment in New York and I'm going to stay there for the weekend. It's a chance to get away from my daily stresses. I find it slightly ironic for me to be getting away from stress by going to one of the most stressful cities in the country, but I'll try anything. I would be able to finish my packing if I could just find my hideous makeup bag. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but I can't sleep knowing that I've misplaced yet another item of importance.
I get down on my hands and knees and press my face to the scratchy pink rug. I glance around under my bed. Boxes and boxes full of papers and from this view point it looks like I have a heavy smoking habit. Empty Marlboro packs lay scattered beneath my bed, having accumulated over the past few months. The sight only makes me wonder why I can't remember where I put that hideous bag since science has supposedly proven that nicotine improves focus and memory. I stood, frustrated, and paced a few feet, then let the exasperated words pound out of me.
I had startled myself and reacted by staring into the empty space where the phrase seemed to loom around me.
“I'm so lost.”
I had meant to say it jokingly and almost meaninglessly. I only meant I was completely lost on where the ugly makeup bag was last placed. But that phrase, Those words,They lingered in the air like a noxious gas. I suddenly felt suffocated. I cocked my head to one side; wondering how three short words could come out in such an oddly overpowering shock wave. It continued to resonate over and over in my skull till I was shallow breathing and collapsed in fear.
I slowly dropped to my knees, hugging myself and hyperventilating. I pressed my cheek to the rug once again. Warm and scratchy and smelling of laundry, mud and smoke. I saw no mud and I haven't done laundry in a week or two. I also don't smoke in the house. The smell was calming, distracting in a way. I've heard people sometimes can't notice their own scent. Maybe people don't notice it until they need to. Maybe it's our own scent that calms us.
It would be interesting is someone could know everything about you just from the way you smell. I don't know if it would be possible though. Take the smell of the carpet thats pressed against my face for example. I can say I smell of clean laundry,mud and cigarettes but the reasons as to what that means about me, are hidden away beneath my skin. I can tell you that my laundry detergent is homemade on the stove top out of borax ,water and bars of soap. I can tell you I live in the woods, on a lake, and walk through mud multiple times a day when walking to and from the bus stop. I can tell you I have at least one cigarette everyday. However, this still doesn't tell you who I am. All you know is my scent and if your intelligent, my mental stability.

The Rag on My Bed

You lay crumpled at my pillows, just like the torn blanket from my childhood. The shades of browns and whites fading after years of tire. Years of tears, nightmares and monthly washings have left you decrepit. Your sinews that once made you plush and lovable are spilling from the various rips and tears that mark your body; spilling out the wounds like pus. Nights spent with you in my arms; overwhelmed by the clash of cottons, the soft cotton skin spreading farther apart to spill your harsh cotton interior.
Your last cleaning caused a tear in your side. Now I wake up some mornings with my legs and arms entwined with you, trapped inside your wounds, between your skin and cotton seepage.
I refuse to sew you up. I will not patch the holes the dogs have borne straight threw you. Patches and thread could not fix the damage that has been done to you. You must be retired to a closet shelf, an attic floor. Packed away in a trash bag full of mothballs. Stowed away in a crevice, so in a few years I can press my face to your destroyed tissue and remember why I pushed away so hard.
As a child you held all the tears and saliva that dripped from my face; the weeks of sickness and lost voices. These are the days I’m supposed to say I don’t need you. yet, I know tonight I will rest my head upon you once more.

No more hiding in plain daylight

I am scared that as the months pass, you'll start to see my quirks and you'll hate them, and you'll start to hate me, and no amount of kisses i give will compensate for the amount of hate you've built against me.
I'm trying to find myself, and find out who i am, and being with you makes it hard for me to find me and not you.
This was all hard to begin with. Your hard to begin with.
Yet, I'd rather choose the hardest way over losing the only person who can always make me happy.
You need to face the fact that this could bring you to your knees. My medication, and my medication, and my medication is not you! I am faceing the fact that you can not fix my hurts.Caplules could come and go, that chalky taste on my tounge could come and go, my smile might shine and fade and so i am giveing you this chance to fade away. This is your chance to get out before your knees are bleeding and i'm laying here screaming. This is your chance. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

what are best friends for, right ?

You've just slamed your bottle of Strawberry Melon Flavored Juice Beverage down on my desk,because your drunk.yes drunk, in your adolecent jeans and lowcut purple tanktop, splattered with dots as drunk as you.
Your dyed maroon hair drapes across my knee as you bend at the hip to throw a crumpled snack wrapper into my bookbag. you sway and miss and as you lean further to grasp at it your hair glides off my thigh to crash to the floor, like some sarcastic mix of liquid ice and fire.
I have been handed the responsibility for your loss because i'm the one who will take it. You've drifted off now, staring at the projection of whales on the wall.
I'm stuck wondering if you too will drown.your sleeping reality side down, how you can do this i'll never understand. or mabye i'm the one sleeping as a whale and you are trapped like a shark on vicoden. Circling in a dream, yet dreaming the same thing because you fear the idea of roaming and taking control.
yet your the determined one. you do what you need to but never for longer than you physically,mentally,idealisticly can. so you are now the whale.
Are we both floating feet upwards like the two we used to be. doing hand stands in the lake.
if i held my breath and stilled my aching fins, would you awake and join me?
Or will you be a shark and slip away to spin in your weary circles?

Rug On Fire

It's still lit, I don't need to worry.
The fires still burn from the summer.
From a place that still makes no sence.
I need to find a place with those fires.

My back is sliding down the roof.
Mabye it's all in my head.
yea...it's all in my heart.

Head in my hands,
feeling to find my hair is gone,
a realization long found,
and long forgotten.

There's no logic here.
There has never been.
This isn't the place to find understanding.
I have never been the place.

What If there's no child to find?
No home inside this forest?

I can't be blown away.
That's why i'm falling on the floor.
A floor thats always easily found.

Months spent by me
Writhing on these hard floors.

I wish to bruise my bones.
My bones that scream whispers.
My limbs the streth and retrack.
Pressing against the sturdy ground.

A ground that you can only view as carpet.

My breath pushes and catches.
It shakes as my rib cage presses inward.
Pushing any out burst of emotion deeper.
I give myself headaches locking away tears.

What comfort is found in my lack of hair?
I keep gripping at it.
twisting it around my fingers.

What comfort am i trying to conjour up from a decision
whose purpose and reasoning has since wondered off?

For years i have tried to bandage and clean
my self beaten body.

have told myself my hands are not my own.
by doing so i calmed my dying nerves.

I have become one with this fucking rug.